13th May - 'Holiday Road'

Driving 800 miles in two days is no joke and apparently Seattle to San Fran in two days is no mean feat. So there, we finally achieved something of small worth.
A bum tried to get money off us then told us that people were trying to get him and could he have a ride away from the area. The other two begged and pleaded to take him but I had to put my foot firmly down and we pushed on away from this place.

Getting into California is a real treat. You come down from the snow-topped mountains and roads that are in excess of 5000ft and within 30 minutes you're in baking heat and a whole new state. I'm starting to sound like Judith Chalmers now...but the scenery is spectacular, the kind of spectacular that makes you forget to take pictures.













We went to The Sizzler, a small-town place that meant well but was, to borrow a phrase from Shakespeare, fucking horrible. It didn't matter that they got the orders wrong, the food was similar to a microwave meal and that Ian's arrived 20 minutes later than ours because when it eventually arrived the waiter made the campest orgasm noise of all time as he laid the plate down in an effort to assuage Ian's notorious firey temper and encourage enjoyment of the meal. It was the kind of 'mmmmm' that is usually followed by the word 'mince'.

We also saw crop-dusters which made us go all Jimmy Stewart.

We went over Bay Bridge just after sunset which was great and nighttime San Francisco loomed before us. I was in the back getting all giddy as this bridge was on my list and it's good to drive (or be driven) down.
We had used our Holiday Inn time wisely and booked into Parc 55 (courtesy of Hotels.com - much more on them later....) in the famous Union Square area. Wow. Union Square is FULL to the brim with not-rights. This was quite an intimidating intro to the new city but the plushness of our new hotel helped to ease our unease.
Look, we had a phone on the toilet!











'Cable guy'



A quick drink in the hotel bar confirmed that we were in slightly over our heads here.















So we ventured aimlessly out and after a bit of walking went to various ill-advised bars. A very dead faux English 'pub' and then a terrible terrible Irish bar that is typical of any tourist part of any city. Here we were treated to horrible covers of Pink Floyd and U2 by Val Kilmer and his drum machine. This picture is a fitting review of the evening...















But we weren't too concerned, we were here and had plenty of time to go to places we wanted to be and when you're going to wake up to this kind of view from your hotel window you can't possibly be pessimistic.

12th May

Tara wasn't finished yet. She had an encore of benevolence when she made us breakfast.
Ian tentatively put forward that I was snoring gently through the night like a beautiful cat. I'm one of those people who finds the notion of them snoring beyond comprehension so i secretly scoffed at his suggestion (knowing that i could never ever be as inhumanly loud as my travelling chums).
We bade her and her parents house farewell and turned our backs on Seattle with a single tear in our collective metaphorical eye and headed down the Interstate-5 well rested and well fed.
This was a drive and a half. We had no actual target or anywhere to stay, just a granite-faced determination to get as far down the west coast as possible and a whole load of Adam and Joe podcasts to keep the cabin fever at bay.
We'd been told to go to Portland as it is supposed to be amazing but it's a little too close to Seattle and unfortunately we would not be able to 'party'(a word that should never be used as a verb) there as we wanted to get to San Francisco; the next phase of the odyssey.
It did indeed look like a really good place. Stonking bridges traversing what seemed like the main area and the most interesting thing we saw driving through quite frankly boring looking Oregon.




We managed to go til about ten in the evening and surrendered at the feet of a pretty swanky Holiday Inn in the town of Yreka (Archimedes fans rejoice)! Yreka the town was as desolate and bleak as Yreka the museum in Halifax that m,y parents mistakenly took me to on a bank holiday only to discover it was shut. I managed to get my blag on and a bit of a discount from the lady on the desk - this slightly countered the disappointment of missing out on the spectacular Astoria to Megler bridge that would have entailed a 100 mile around diversion.

11th May - "Who are you and what have you done with Jesse?"

Checkout time. The worry about Jesse's disappearance has now been replaced with acceptance and we can now begin to grieve. I personally will never forget him or what he did for us that night. These were dark times. One of those hangovers that makes you question your place on this earth and doubt your ability to look after yourself properly.
But what's that shining through the blackness on this actually very sunny day? It's the welcoming beacons of The Five Points cafe and Tara Secrettie! The former fed us monster food again before we set off through downtown and back to Tara's house for the third act in her production of multiple kindnesses.
Free bed and board, pizza, cookies and cable TV whilst she went to ferry her son to baseball practice - this was a very American day and amazing to boot.
We fell asleep watching Sly (but more importantly John Lythgoe)in Cliffhanger, which gave me the opportunity to watch some football on one of the many many channels and nearly explode at the most annoying commentary of all time!
Later on we were joined by Bridget, Seth and Megan for a most wholesome game of Apples to Apples. This passed off without incident and the need for a violent bloodbath was eliminated. Seth ran away with the title, proving that Americans (and Owen) don't know anything about anything! It was great and just what we needed before the longest drive of our short young lives.

I can't find any photos from this day. Instead look at this clip (in Spanish of course) and watch the old man's face at 3:20 and 3:40 .....He is clearly relishing the prospect of that young ladies' death with extreme relish and almost sexual excitement!

10th May

Managed to get a good nights sleep thanks to booze and valium. I set off alone for a game of football (English) which i was very excited about. Turned out to be something of an anti-climax as it was the hottest day in Seattle since records began (admittedly not long ago but still...) and I wasn't exactly in peak condition and couldn't run as much as usual. They really don't do football out here. It was really disorganised and a lot of them, whilst being in great physical shape, haven't got a clue and it was one of the weirdest games I've ever played in. Having said all that it was worth doing and there were one or two players who were really really good - I also managed to stud someone an all-American jock called Todd right in the knee and he didn't love that at all.
For the afternoon the other two got a cab down to the pitches and we headed for North-Bend armed with our new GPS and a list of filming locations used in Twin Peaks.
We crammed a lot into this very enjoyable afternoon starting with the Twin Peaks cafe for some ridiculously big burgers which meant we had to forcefeed ourselves the obligatory cherry pie and coffee.Had a look at some of the fascinating memorabilia on the walls and bought a map of the area that was literally drawn by a child and commanded the Full Authority of such a document....F.A.

I won't bore you with all the details but it was a great day driving around the woods and backwaters of this very picturesque place and we even managed to find the corner where the sign from the opening titles was filmed.


We finished the pilgrimage off with a trip to Snoqualmie Falls and the Great Northern hotel. Jaw-dropping scenery here. Owen saw the actor Michael Sheen (Frost/Nixon, The Damned United amongst others) but neglected to mention this as he thought I might cause a scene somehow - a good photo op missed there I feel.

We feebly minced through the exceedingly swanky hotel and managed to have a refreshing pineapple juice in top notch bar overlooking the falls. Upon leaving Ian was HIV POSITIVE that to exit this Labyrinthine den of rooms, spas and bars we had to go through "THIS door", authoratatively swinging the door open and proceeding straight into the kitchens. We laughed a lot at this.
Owen's onrushing powerful cold procluded him from partaking in the night of death and the most drunken I have been in many a year.
We'd arranged to go out with Steve who is a rock star in the band These Arms Are Snakes, Erin who is also a rock star with Minus The Bear, his girlfriend, a lovely chap called Michael and A Guy Called Gerald who makes videos for Nike. After meeting in Sun Liquor we went to Erin's nice apartment and encountered something called the Volcano. This worked out well for Ian. Then to the Bus Stop, a gay karaoke bar where i was forced to drink a shot of whiskey and listen to screeching queens.
Things improved when we went to another karaoke bar called the crescent for a couple of Jagers, for some reason we were only drinking shots with the odd bit of beer to douse the stomach pain. When we hit Dunnes I thought it was a tremendous achievement of them to serve Boddingtons and paid tribute to this by drinking lots of it. It was getting wonky and we were talking mountains of shit to each other as the drinks were mixing in our tummys.
We went back to Redwood and by now I was telling anyone within earshot how much i loved the city. Unfortunately in the last half hour of the evening Steve did one of those things where the person you're out with just realises how scrambled they are and fucks off! This coincided with a very strange guy trying to speak to me at the bar in a way I didn't understand and was not comfortable with - fortunately i was drunk and had no qualms about simply walking away from him mid-sentence.
Being in a taxi careering up and down hills in a city centre with lights fair whizzing past your eyes makes you sick. So I did a sick. Great day great night.

JESSE WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEEEEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR BACK?!?!?

9th May

Once again we got up slightly late and went a few blocks from our superbly located hotel (in the daytime) to the famous monorail. Hmmm.....
We were now downtown and i couldn't resist buying a football from the Nike shop whilst owen got some trainers and I also purchased a smooth pair of Levi's in what must have been record time - none of us like shopping. Ian also gave money to a busker! He was brilliant at playing makeshift drums on the pavement.
We then went to meet up with a chunk of the people from last night at a barbecue being hosted at Tara's and had to negotiate the almost physically impossible hills of Seattle that were right in the city centre and shat ourselves when we had to stop on the cusp of a hill with a busy street and the sea behind us. I was genuinely terrified but Ian pulled through with his Clarkson-esque driving skills and political views. We had a lovely balmy Saturday evening with the addition of a Texan named Dan and Elliot's girlfriend Cara (sp?).

More good banter, good food and two Highland Terriers called Maguire and Abbey who couldn't have been more different.
After watching a few Curb Your Enthusiasms we tailed Elliot around town in search of a lesbian birthday party but couldn't park up anywhere.
The first downer in the town happened when we missed the midnight Pink Floyd laser show by one minute and couldn't get in. The theatre was again, just round the corner from us and we did get the consolation of seeing car after car after car of creepy creepy men cruising the streets looking for payable pusseh. How we laughed t'ward them.
We thought we'd get back to the 1970's hotel and tell Jesse all about it but he wasn't there.....something strange is going on.....

8th May - "Yeah there's a few rowdy dance clubs around here"

Jessie is a friend,
yeah, I know he's been
a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed
that ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a girl
and I want to make her mine
And she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body,
I just know it
Yeah 'n' he's holding her
in his arms late,
late at night

You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl,
I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman like that
I play along with the charade,
there doesn't seem to be
a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty
when they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her,
but the point is probably moot
'Cos she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body,
I just know it
And he's holding her
in his arms late, late at night

Like Jessie's girl,
I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman,
where can I find a woman like that
And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time,
wondering what she don't see in me
I've been funny,
I've been cool with the lines
Ain't that the way
love supposed to be
Tell me, where can I find a woman like that



And on the 8th day we fell in love. With Jesse.
With a sharp suit and a long hair that he could just about scrape back into a pony tail Jesse had attitude. In the early hours of the morning he helped us get an extra bed in our tiny 1970's room, gave us valuable advice on where the doors were located, where the 'rowdy dance clubs' are and was even spotted smoking a cigarette - fancy that!!! He is the male equivalent of Daria and his band Nightshift are amazing. I could go on about how all three of us feel about Jesse but you wouldn't understand.
After a much needed night's sleep we hit Belltown (which used to be cool but isn't now) to get a GPS and be harangued into trying to buy all sorts of guff we didn't need by the worst, spottiest sales assistant in the world who must have said 'actually' fifty times.
Then up to The Space Needle on the walk back, incredible scenes, a very quick and stomach-churning lift and the structure slightly swaying in the wind. Some amazing views from up there, well worth the admission fee. We also ate at the excellent Five Point cafe which looks like a dive but does great food - I didn't realise that in America a hash brown fills up half a plate which made the semi-goth who served us laugh when I asked for four.
Also, in Seattle they like nothing more than a cheeky sign 'Ripping off tourists since 1929' being one such example.
We then headed out for one of the best nights of the trip meeting up with the best host of all time Tara and her friends Bridget, Elliot, Seth, Chase, Kara, Taphine and Charlie who were all (almost) brilliant people and took us around Cap Hill with gusto and verve. Linda's, Cha cha Lounge and Redwood were all great. No shit bars, good jukeboxes, cheaper drinks and a fine selection of folk to drink with til the ridiculously early hour of half-one when they call last orders EVERYWHERE. They get done in early in Seattle also.







We then had a good stagger en masse for about half a mile before getting in a taxi with an insane driver who didn't know where anywhere was, but luckily carried a gun everywhere he went....and he liked Didier Drogba.
This city is quite a lot like Manchester but utterly brilliant and i wanted to stay here forever. The second problem was that when got back Jesse wasn't working! He must have been gigging or at a rowdy dance club.

7th May - "Shall we help them here?"....."No"

Worst day ever.

Leathering it down. Professional rain, the heaviest ever. Made getting a cab very taxing. Got one – slowest driver of all time. Missed the plane.
Then Delta airlines staff went head-to-head with Footlocker’s for being the most unhelpful, ‘street’, put-out-by-simple-tasks buggers ever. They were actively unhelpful in getting us on the next flight (which was mercifully two hours later) and there were legions of pissed off people at their gate. If you would ever like to see a vein in my head bulge just say the passphrase ‘Delta check-in staff’.
We got to Seattle later than scheduled which was probably for the best as we now had to learn how to drive in America. We got in our car (a natty little 4x4) at 2 in the morning having been in the air for seven hours and headed for downtown Seattle. We were being understandably cautious and to be fair only drove the wrong way down a major road once.
We got to Travelodge at 3am and as soon as we got out of the car were faced by a six foot tall lady of the night and someone trying to pick her up. This was the appropriately titled John Street. This was Seattle. This was Travelodge. But more importantly this was Jesse….