20th May - 'Only God could have created this'

Well rested we could finally head up to Grand Canyon.
Eschewing the Native Americans and their 80-dollars-a-pop walkway we headed for the South side of The Bloody Big Hole.
I am not a man who possesses the linguistic fortitude to accurately portray the magnificence of this place that can only be fully appreciated when you're there. But I definitely count this as one of the best days of my life and the most mind-smashingly incredible thing I have ever seen.
To add to the adrenalin that comes from being in such a place I felt the need to really get close to death and dangle my pins over the edge.


















You can't really tell from this but I am at the cusp of a very very sharp drop a very very long way down. Ian and Owen's tickers were thumping at quite a pace, not to mention my own. There was a lot of walking around, a lot of very very touristy people (see the blog title of this day.....) but we were able to find moments of solitude and silence. We also found a stage where I was able to act out my one-man revue 'Bare Pleasures' to an enraptured audience of one...





























As any performer will tell you, once you leave the stage you need to recreate that buzz over and over or you'll end up like Tony Hancock. We had been traversing the canyon's south side by car and foot and now we went to one of the sticky-outest bits where I found a little crevis I could slide down to a point that REALLY stuck out.
















There's Owen in the foreground and I can be spotted out on a limb somewhat in the background. As I sidled to the edge a Welsh couple who were next to Ian and Owen advised against my path but I was down there now and was afforded the best and most thrilling view of the whole Bloody Big Hole. Suddenly the couple got very excited as there were now herds of condors (that looked like eagles or pterodactyls to me) circling above my head which made me more anxious than I already was. I have never been so scared in all my days but edging towards the edge of the edge was the most shitpantfilling thing I've ever experienced and a view I'll never forget (despite the lack of photographic evidence!).


















This is the kind of place you can stand and stare for hours on end but we didn't have hours on end to spare so we made tracks North-West towards the City of Sin.

After a good bit of driving and a stop-off in the desert we came across the Hoover Dam. Got some good video footage and no good photos. I became aroused at the sight of the new suspension bridge that they're building right above the fucker! It looked amazing and I hope to go back there once It's completed.
Here's one for dam enthusiasts:
















We then drove into Vegas as the sun vacated the sky and were given a champion view of all the twinkling lights before us.
We were staying in the MGM Grand which is one of the big buggers right at the beginning of Las Vegas Boulevard and where Ricky Hatton had been sadly knocked on his arse two weeks hence. We were now officially Big-Time Charlie Bananas.
This was turning into a long day but we were determined to at least go out on a recce to scope out this town before retiring. I tried in vain to blag anything free that I could or get an upgrade for our hotel room. I blocked the toilet, complained about the safe, complained about the iron, complained about the lock on the door but NO, they just fixed everything quickly and efficiently the stupid dickheads!















Owen had recommened we eat at Mirage. 'Oh look there it is, just down the strip'....

After the best part of an hour we finally arrived at one of Mirage's eateries.

Height + A Massive Sign = Loss of Distance Perception
(H + AMS = LoDP) - remember this vital equation.

Owen and I each opted for the beef sandwich, Ian for the Woody Allen.
The picture can describe this beast better than I. MEAT.














Wow. Mine was similar but not quite as ridiculous but I'm proud to say I finished it.

We decided to head for home and stop off at a few places on the way. I am proud also, that I didn't push one of the many Mexicans who line the strip flapping cards at you in a very annoying fashion under a fucking bus.

We went to Bally's casino which was a very sobering experience, the clientele there were not having fun, neither were the bar tenders.

So we hopped on the monorail back to the MGM, a much sensibler option with all the meat we were now carrying. We had a drink in Centrifuge, one of her many bars and Ian went back to the room for some much needed rest. This pleasant end to the evening was hampered by a very very rude chap who was 'hollering' at the bar people but order was restored when Owen won 80 dollars at video roulette when we thought he's won forty!

BED!

19th May - 'Thank you for being a friend...'

'I'll have water please'
'YOU'LL HAVE WATER'
'I'll have steak and eggs'
'YOU'LL HAVE STEAK AND EGGS'
'Can I have the the omelette'
'YOU WANT THE OMELETTE'
'I'll have the full breakfast'
'YOU'LL HAVE THE FULL BREAKFAST'
'Can we get the bill please?'
'YOU WANT THE BILL'

Not a great way to begin another blazing morning, being patronised to within an inch of our lives by the most annoying, monotous waitress ever.
Onwards. This time giving the car nice regular rests 'twixt towns.
In one little backwater we decided to stop at some kind of outlet that sold, food, useful things, souvenirs guns but most importantly - Jesus T-shirts.
Owen went for 'Pick Jesus' beautifully written into a plectrum and being the rockin' dude I am, I opted for 'Stick with Jesus' and a drum kit. But you can't buy christian paraphernalia without offsetting this good deed and doing some Winona Ryder-style shoplifting. So I decided to tink these nifty specs as I've always wanted to look like one of The Golden Girls.















We were heading for Williams and thankfully had 'three tickets to Paradise' at The Holiday Inn. Not a lot to do in 'lil ol' Williams. I chose to dine alone in the hotel restaurant and Ian and Owen went to get some shambolic takeaway.

Then we hit the pool and the hot-tub. This was a family place and it was here that we really had to get the potty-mouth in check as filthy Brits we had no idea just how much we were cussing. There was a very perturbing pigeon-chested, handlebar-moustached lothario already in the hot-tub who gave us a sly 'hey what's going on' that fair chilled the blood...

We splashed, we romped, we took part in 'all manner of prohibited activities', leaving only Heavy Petting out of the equation. Then it was time to make our way out of the pool, much to my chagrin as I had just found a couple of beach balls in a nearby Wendy House!

We had a few jars (Boddingtons!) in the bar - even though I am the oldest of the triumverate it was I who was ID'd, what with having the face of a feral child.

On the return to the room I have never seen Owen break out and LOL so much as I did when we flicked onto HBO and their graphic depiction of very fat people having very naughty adult hug time.

Here I am lapping up the filth (excuse the poor photography).

18th May - 'I been driving all night, my hands wet on the wheel'

Right, time to get out of this den of iniquity and head East across the country for another 800 mile drive!
Guess what?
It was really hot!
On the way out of town we stopped off at City Hall to get some more Dirty Harry shots.
Then we began to eat up the miles in our trusty Toyota Rav 4. She had been a good runner, serving us well down the west coast and up and down the treacherous hills of San Francisco.
But unbeknownst to us she was tired. Tired and thirsty. Tired and thirsty and unwell. If she'd have told us we would have helped her. But she did not tell us, she attempted to push on into the desert towards Grand Canyon, the brave little tyke.
As we trundled up a hill she could take it no more. We had driven her for four hours straight in oppressively hot conditions, but did she beep at us or attract our attention with a little light? No she did not. She died quietly, peacefully and with no steamy fuss in the middle of fucking nowhere.














After letting her cool down for an hour and hearing a snake in the bushes which hastened my path back inside the car with great ferocity we relied upon her to take us to the next habitable town, the name of which escapes me.
Alamo were good but their nearest replacement car was in Burbank which is in LA...
SO we had to wait for four hours in which time it got dark. We had some food in City Slickers - Yee-haw! Then we ran the battery on the laptop and the car down watching episodes of The Office in a hotel car-park while we waited for the cavalry. A lot of people in this town have affairs and choose this hotel to rut in or to swap cars before going home.
The very nice man named Michael brought us a car which was a welcome relief but at the same time could also be described as a shitty Nissan.
Not to worry! Let's get some miles under our belts after all this wasted time! Let's go really fast down the dark empty freeways! There are sure to be no police around here!
Ten minutes in and we're doing 90 in a 65. Wooo! We'll be there in no time!
I didn't know they have stealth police cars in America but from out of nowhere come the flashing lights. Oh bollocks. I did what you're supposed to do, slowed down and pulled off to the left side of the road - except this is the US so you're supposed to pull over to the right of course. I suddenly realised this and swerved back over the other side to finally pull over, which made me look like I was pissed up. He went full on with the spotlight and everything which shit me up real good cos these fuckers have guns and probably take steroids.

Ian and I must have speaking about three-thousand words a minute as we explained that we are English, stupid, had broken down and I'm so sorry please don't give me the full cavity search. He couldn't hear a word we were saying and got bored after a bit, took pity and let us off but not before a quick chiding 'the speed limit on this road is 65 miles per hour; that 6...5 MILES per hour not kilometres'.

The last bit doesn't make sense cos if I thought the speed limits were in kilometres I would have been going slower.... I decided to not point this out and drove for the next three hours with the cruise control set on 75mph (they're not going to notice 10mph are they?)

I drove til three in the morning, the adrenaline still pumping in my veins but the other two demanded rest so we stopped at a Best Western in the town of Needles.
Two things stood out here.
1. Lots of insects which made me very uneasy.
2. A man wearing nothing but short shorts sprinting across a petrol station forecourt in the middle of the night. I would label him a homosexual amphetamine freak but it's wrong to generalise.

17th May

Yesterday was the hottest day ever - this was the hottest day ever after.
We did sod-all in the day (to the best of my recollection) and then went to see Mogwai at another swanky ballroom. They really do have better mid-size venues in America.
I shouted 'Stephen!!!' as loud as possible and gleefully listened as the reply 'just coming!' rang throughout the auditorium. Unfortunately it was Ian, and not some savvy local.
If you don't know what any of that Stephen nonsense means. I must urge you to listen to Adam&Joe on BBC6Music. Do actually do it, you won't regret it, listen to podcasts and laugh.
That's pretty much it!
No pics or stories!
Sorry!

16th May - The birthday of Ian

Feelin' hot hot hot. Oppressive heat once again, and once again we slept in a bit too late.
Owen snuck away to get Ian some lovely records whilst I was recovering from staying up all night to watch City v. Spurs.
Then we went to Alcatraz! Tickets booked, we got on the ferry over to The Rock and embarked on the award-winning audio guided tour. It was really very good and a must go to in SF. It's already an eerie and foreboding place to go to but with the tour describing things like The Battle of Alcatraz it really adds colour to the famous stories.
Here I am with Owen re-enacting a Cable Guy scene and offering up a solitary nipple in the name of vicarious sexual gratification.














I won't bore you with all the details (that are actually really interesting) but suffice to say it was a great excursion and managed to be touristy and cool at the same time. Here I am giving Ian a prison-yard shivving.














We decided that on this most auspicious of occasions we should go somewhere good for tea tonight so we went to supposedly the best Chinese restaurant in town, The House of Nan King (yes we laughed). It was cramped, really hot and the waitresses were very curt but it was well worth having to queue to get in. I bought Ian his meal for his birthday as I lack imagination.
We were lucky enough to be waited on by the renowned owner Peter Fang who cooked us up a 'special dish' - this was easily the best meal we had throughout the trip. Hank could learn a thing or two from Peter Fang!

For night-time chuckles we went to notorious Mission area on the south of the city. We had been warned several times about this area but what are you gonna do? Cab there and back and it turned out to be fine and a bit of a hipster haven.
Started off in Elixir and it was Ian birthday so he had to get the drinks in.....ahem. He took hours to get serves cos in America they fucking love sitting at the bar and getting right in the way.
Then off to a bit of a rock bar called Kilowatt that had Mastodon on the wireless and pictures of dogs on the wall. Good.
Then we went to the hottest bar in the world which was uncomfortable to say the least. After a while a real character started talking to us.
'Hey you want this drink, I just bought it for a girl and she walked away'
No thanks.
He cottoned on that we were British and tried to get us to cruise the bar with him picking up girls. He was about 35, had ridiculously curly hair and a very very annoying voice and manner. Any girl that walked past he would grab then, tell them we were British and then try to engage them in sexy-talk.
We escaped to the quietest bar in the world in which the barman who hates Man United put some premier league action on for me.
Bit drunk now and on to the final bar where I was ceremonially made the judge of a kissing contest in a photo booth. Two lads who were trying to entice two femmes were willing to snog each other if the girls would also do so. The lads won as they displayed far more passion than the tentative girls who merely hugged. honestly, the men in this country will do fucking ANYTHING for pusseh.
Played pin the tail on the donkey, accosted by a few more weirdos then home.
Not a bad night all-in-all!

15th May - The consequences of jumping are fatal and tragic

This was (as the now bankrupt former Dragons Denner Rachel Elnaugh more would say) a red letter day.
Hank reminded us all of his presence and the hangover made us get up late but we paid no mind and headed back to North Beach and Coit Tower. This place was built with cash from the deceased and seemingly nutty Lizzie Coit who left a third of her large wealth for the betterment of San Fran. Good on the old boot!
The tower affords pretty spectacular three-sixty views of the city taking in Alcatraz, the city centre, loads of water and a foxy lady that we'll talk about in good time.
But first we had to park up and figure up how to get there. I decided to ask a fifty year old power-walker with a mouth like Jaws from James Bond who was very helpful and lovely and told us to take the scenic route. Then we did the awkward thing of saying thanks, bye etc and walking in the same direction and pace as the other person and having nothing to say to them.
We were ill-prepared for what lay in wait for us following the lady's ill advice that we should walk up to the tower. There is a very famous and scenic street called Lombard street that looks like this:













Instead we got to climb what was, at a conservative estimate, about 50 million steps. No jokes. Tenner bet. Ask my mum.
I didn't mind and was (very) annoyingly running up the buggers two at a time and looking back at the other two who were somewhat less enthusiastic about the ascent. We eventually got to the top and into a lift (5 dorrar) up the monument to generous eccentricity. 'I hope it makes it dis time' parroted the lift guy for, no exaggeration ask my tenner, the 50 millionth time. For me this concern was genuine as it was, to say the least, an antiquated beast. I also developed the early onset of claustrophobia as the further south you go, the fatter Americans get and we were fair packed in to this 'elevator'. Breathless and red I got out just before i thought I'd pass out for no good reason at all. We got some good views through tiny wee windows.














Now the real sightseeing could begin.

We were eight miles away but i could hear her calling to me in the wind. 'Come walk 'pon my back, feel my cables in your human hands, press your warm face 'gainst my cold towers, marvel at my parabola gradient...' she seemed to say.

There was no way I could drive so Ian took charge of the vehicle as we were going to sight numero one on my list and I needed to soak it in.
















As she loomed in the distance I couldn't believe she was so close after seeing so many pictures and films. We drove across to North Vista Point which was absolutely freezing as the sun was about to set, then drove through a tunnel with a rainbow on it from the Dirty Harry films. We could now drive back over to the Presidio side and my all too brief fling could begin.
















It was getting pretty chilly over this side as well but the views were fantastic on a clear day and as the sun said goodnight we stepped on with the various cyclists, joggers, tourists, budding suiciders and prom night kids. It truly is a magnificent structure and you can't really comprehend how much until you actually get on it and 'feel the heft' so to speak.
















I have to say that if I was a confused, desperate homosexual, this is where I would come to end it all. So if I ever tearily book a ticket to San Fran please MAKE THE CALL on my behalf.
It was very windy and I was giddy and thought that I looked like once of those wizard fellas in Lord Of The Rings with my jacket flapping about me dramatically as I demanded photo after photo be taken.
















When we got to the first tower I was idly looking over the edge when I thought I saw a diver swimming around the base of the great weight-transference structure. Then he leapt out of the water with a quick thrash of his tail and bit down hard on a seabird before dragging it under the water! Whaaa?! This was no human it was a seal/sea lion (I can't be sure, I'm no Terry Nutkins)!!!
And another!
And another!
Rapture and joy unbridled! They were all at it! Jumping out of the water and grabbing at birds! I told some nearby twenty-something tourists who appeared to have gone blind, gave up on them and alerted a nearby father and child combo who were equally excited by this unexpected treat.
Amazing.
Here's the tower we watched this from before the other two made me come home.















Then we ordered a fairly substandard take-away, got tickets to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at midnight, didn't go cos we were too tired and went to bed.
THANKS A LOT HANK

14th May

We went a few blocks away from Union Square onto Bush Street and the Mayflower Hotel.
It was good to be staying somewhere that had individuality and was reasonably nice. It was even nicer that when I complained to the staff that our keycards weren't working I also managed to get an upgrade into the nicest available room!
So now we had a seperate sleeping area and a wee kitchen.
Great.
After settling in we planned a night out on the advice of a local bartender who suggested we try North Beach and Columbus Avenue. Unfortunately we hadn't planned on anywhere to eat so settled on Hanks Sandwich Bar before embarking on the walk up to North Beach. This would have been a funny excursion had the repercussions of Hanks 'food' not lingered with us all for days - that's all I'll say about that.

NEVER EAT AT HANKS. Hank himself staggered in at 8pm as we were halfway through our chow bringing with him what i can only presume was a multiple divorcee of advanced years who thought she still had the goods to cash the checks. He pumped up the volume on the terrible 80's mix and staggered across to get great splashes of cheap white wine into horrible whiskey glasses before briefly leaving his mistress to slur a string of unintelligble (what i can only presume) insults at us whilst stagger-dancing. Hanks place must have been 10ft by 10ft by the way....
















So we headed to North Beach, did our usual party trick of aimlessly wandering around for a good hour, and eventually happened upon a pretty crappy bar with a pretty crappy DJ who upon further inspection I confirmed, WAS in fact a woman. Of sorts.
This place was like a cross between the streets shown in Taxi Driver filled with the people shown in Saved By The Bell - The College Years. Strip club after strip club after strip club with various twats outside trying to entice/force people in. No (t)Hanks.
We went slightly south into what seemed to be an under-18's bar and saw the San Fran Bizzaro World version of Jesse. Yes it was Jewel's band and they were utter garbage and they had no idea.Here we are enjoying another one of Jewel's inimitable solo's
















After one ridiculously priced and weak drink we decided to hop in a cab and go back to near our hotel. Come on San Fran! Buck your ideas up!
We decided to go to Bigfoot Lodge which was the place Ian and Owen had received their shoddy advice some hours hence. This is a good place and there's a massive statue of Sasquatch in the bar and a good video jukebox. This was better.

Ian decided to leave so me and Owen went to another bar called Hemlock which was excellent. Here i encountered a woman who looked like a bag lady wandering around the bar with two coolboxes on a trolley which contained free cake. She was giving out slices and professionally printed fliers as enticements for strangers to her upcoming 50th birthday party. I politely declined... Here i am moments later; the best places usually have the worst toilets. Out of the blue I exclaimed my delight at Bikini Kill to two confused but not overly-perturbed girls and we left.
















We decided to have one more across the road at Vertigo, a bar/club that was themed on the famous film, that should be cool right? Hmmm not really, it was very touristy but it was good to people-watch and we'd had our fair share of boozy fun in the end and we could walk home satisfied.

13th May - 'Holiday Road'

Driving 800 miles in two days is no joke and apparently Seattle to San Fran in two days is no mean feat. So there, we finally achieved something of small worth.
A bum tried to get money off us then told us that people were trying to get him and could he have a ride away from the area. The other two begged and pleaded to take him but I had to put my foot firmly down and we pushed on away from this place.

Getting into California is a real treat. You come down from the snow-topped mountains and roads that are in excess of 5000ft and within 30 minutes you're in baking heat and a whole new state. I'm starting to sound like Judith Chalmers now...but the scenery is spectacular, the kind of spectacular that makes you forget to take pictures.













We went to The Sizzler, a small-town place that meant well but was, to borrow a phrase from Shakespeare, fucking horrible. It didn't matter that they got the orders wrong, the food was similar to a microwave meal and that Ian's arrived 20 minutes later than ours because when it eventually arrived the waiter made the campest orgasm noise of all time as he laid the plate down in an effort to assuage Ian's notorious firey temper and encourage enjoyment of the meal. It was the kind of 'mmmmm' that is usually followed by the word 'mince'.

We also saw crop-dusters which made us go all Jimmy Stewart.

We went over Bay Bridge just after sunset which was great and nighttime San Francisco loomed before us. I was in the back getting all giddy as this bridge was on my list and it's good to drive (or be driven) down.
We had used our Holiday Inn time wisely and booked into Parc 55 (courtesy of Hotels.com - much more on them later....) in the famous Union Square area. Wow. Union Square is FULL to the brim with not-rights. This was quite an intimidating intro to the new city but the plushness of our new hotel helped to ease our unease.
Look, we had a phone on the toilet!











'Cable guy'



A quick drink in the hotel bar confirmed that we were in slightly over our heads here.















So we ventured aimlessly out and after a bit of walking went to various ill-advised bars. A very dead faux English 'pub' and then a terrible terrible Irish bar that is typical of any tourist part of any city. Here we were treated to horrible covers of Pink Floyd and U2 by Val Kilmer and his drum machine. This picture is a fitting review of the evening...















But we weren't too concerned, we were here and had plenty of time to go to places we wanted to be and when you're going to wake up to this kind of view from your hotel window you can't possibly be pessimistic.

12th May

Tara wasn't finished yet. She had an encore of benevolence when she made us breakfast.
Ian tentatively put forward that I was snoring gently through the night like a beautiful cat. I'm one of those people who finds the notion of them snoring beyond comprehension so i secretly scoffed at his suggestion (knowing that i could never ever be as inhumanly loud as my travelling chums).
We bade her and her parents house farewell and turned our backs on Seattle with a single tear in our collective metaphorical eye and headed down the Interstate-5 well rested and well fed.
This was a drive and a half. We had no actual target or anywhere to stay, just a granite-faced determination to get as far down the west coast as possible and a whole load of Adam and Joe podcasts to keep the cabin fever at bay.
We'd been told to go to Portland as it is supposed to be amazing but it's a little too close to Seattle and unfortunately we would not be able to 'party'(a word that should never be used as a verb) there as we wanted to get to San Francisco; the next phase of the odyssey.
It did indeed look like a really good place. Stonking bridges traversing what seemed like the main area and the most interesting thing we saw driving through quite frankly boring looking Oregon.




We managed to go til about ten in the evening and surrendered at the feet of a pretty swanky Holiday Inn in the town of Yreka (Archimedes fans rejoice)! Yreka the town was as desolate and bleak as Yreka the museum in Halifax that m,y parents mistakenly took me to on a bank holiday only to discover it was shut. I managed to get my blag on and a bit of a discount from the lady on the desk - this slightly countered the disappointment of missing out on the spectacular Astoria to Megler bridge that would have entailed a 100 mile around diversion.

11th May - "Who are you and what have you done with Jesse?"

Checkout time. The worry about Jesse's disappearance has now been replaced with acceptance and we can now begin to grieve. I personally will never forget him or what he did for us that night. These were dark times. One of those hangovers that makes you question your place on this earth and doubt your ability to look after yourself properly.
But what's that shining through the blackness on this actually very sunny day? It's the welcoming beacons of The Five Points cafe and Tara Secrettie! The former fed us monster food again before we set off through downtown and back to Tara's house for the third act in her production of multiple kindnesses.
Free bed and board, pizza, cookies and cable TV whilst she went to ferry her son to baseball practice - this was a very American day and amazing to boot.
We fell asleep watching Sly (but more importantly John Lythgoe)in Cliffhanger, which gave me the opportunity to watch some football on one of the many many channels and nearly explode at the most annoying commentary of all time!
Later on we were joined by Bridget, Seth and Megan for a most wholesome game of Apples to Apples. This passed off without incident and the need for a violent bloodbath was eliminated. Seth ran away with the title, proving that Americans (and Owen) don't know anything about anything! It was great and just what we needed before the longest drive of our short young lives.

I can't find any photos from this day. Instead look at this clip (in Spanish of course) and watch the old man's face at 3:20 and 3:40 .....He is clearly relishing the prospect of that young ladies' death with extreme relish and almost sexual excitement!

10th May

Managed to get a good nights sleep thanks to booze and valium. I set off alone for a game of football (English) which i was very excited about. Turned out to be something of an anti-climax as it was the hottest day in Seattle since records began (admittedly not long ago but still...) and I wasn't exactly in peak condition and couldn't run as much as usual. They really don't do football out here. It was really disorganised and a lot of them, whilst being in great physical shape, haven't got a clue and it was one of the weirdest games I've ever played in. Having said all that it was worth doing and there were one or two players who were really really good - I also managed to stud someone an all-American jock called Todd right in the knee and he didn't love that at all.
For the afternoon the other two got a cab down to the pitches and we headed for North-Bend armed with our new GPS and a list of filming locations used in Twin Peaks.
We crammed a lot into this very enjoyable afternoon starting with the Twin Peaks cafe for some ridiculously big burgers which meant we had to forcefeed ourselves the obligatory cherry pie and coffee.Had a look at some of the fascinating memorabilia on the walls and bought a map of the area that was literally drawn by a child and commanded the Full Authority of such a document....F.A.

I won't bore you with all the details but it was a great day driving around the woods and backwaters of this very picturesque place and we even managed to find the corner where the sign from the opening titles was filmed.


We finished the pilgrimage off with a trip to Snoqualmie Falls and the Great Northern hotel. Jaw-dropping scenery here. Owen saw the actor Michael Sheen (Frost/Nixon, The Damned United amongst others) but neglected to mention this as he thought I might cause a scene somehow - a good photo op missed there I feel.

We feebly minced through the exceedingly swanky hotel and managed to have a refreshing pineapple juice in top notch bar overlooking the falls. Upon leaving Ian was HIV POSITIVE that to exit this Labyrinthine den of rooms, spas and bars we had to go through "THIS door", authoratatively swinging the door open and proceeding straight into the kitchens. We laughed a lot at this.
Owen's onrushing powerful cold procluded him from partaking in the night of death and the most drunken I have been in many a year.
We'd arranged to go out with Steve who is a rock star in the band These Arms Are Snakes, Erin who is also a rock star with Minus The Bear, his girlfriend, a lovely chap called Michael and A Guy Called Gerald who makes videos for Nike. After meeting in Sun Liquor we went to Erin's nice apartment and encountered something called the Volcano. This worked out well for Ian. Then to the Bus Stop, a gay karaoke bar where i was forced to drink a shot of whiskey and listen to screeching queens.
Things improved when we went to another karaoke bar called the crescent for a couple of Jagers, for some reason we were only drinking shots with the odd bit of beer to douse the stomach pain. When we hit Dunnes I thought it was a tremendous achievement of them to serve Boddingtons and paid tribute to this by drinking lots of it. It was getting wonky and we were talking mountains of shit to each other as the drinks were mixing in our tummys.
We went back to Redwood and by now I was telling anyone within earshot how much i loved the city. Unfortunately in the last half hour of the evening Steve did one of those things where the person you're out with just realises how scrambled they are and fucks off! This coincided with a very strange guy trying to speak to me at the bar in a way I didn't understand and was not comfortable with - fortunately i was drunk and had no qualms about simply walking away from him mid-sentence.
Being in a taxi careering up and down hills in a city centre with lights fair whizzing past your eyes makes you sick. So I did a sick. Great day great night.

JESSE WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEEEEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR BACK?!?!?

9th May

Once again we got up slightly late and went a few blocks from our superbly located hotel (in the daytime) to the famous monorail. Hmmm.....
We were now downtown and i couldn't resist buying a football from the Nike shop whilst owen got some trainers and I also purchased a smooth pair of Levi's in what must have been record time - none of us like shopping. Ian also gave money to a busker! He was brilliant at playing makeshift drums on the pavement.
We then went to meet up with a chunk of the people from last night at a barbecue being hosted at Tara's and had to negotiate the almost physically impossible hills of Seattle that were right in the city centre and shat ourselves when we had to stop on the cusp of a hill with a busy street and the sea behind us. I was genuinely terrified but Ian pulled through with his Clarkson-esque driving skills and political views. We had a lovely balmy Saturday evening with the addition of a Texan named Dan and Elliot's girlfriend Cara (sp?).

More good banter, good food and two Highland Terriers called Maguire and Abbey who couldn't have been more different.
After watching a few Curb Your Enthusiasms we tailed Elliot around town in search of a lesbian birthday party but couldn't park up anywhere.
The first downer in the town happened when we missed the midnight Pink Floyd laser show by one minute and couldn't get in. The theatre was again, just round the corner from us and we did get the consolation of seeing car after car after car of creepy creepy men cruising the streets looking for payable pusseh. How we laughed t'ward them.
We thought we'd get back to the 1970's hotel and tell Jesse all about it but he wasn't there.....something strange is going on.....

8th May - "Yeah there's a few rowdy dance clubs around here"

Jessie is a friend,
yeah, I know he's been
a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed
that ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a girl
and I want to make her mine
And she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body,
I just know it
Yeah 'n' he's holding her
in his arms late,
late at night

You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl,
I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman like that
I play along with the charade,
there doesn't seem to be
a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty
when they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her,
but the point is probably moot
'Cos she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body,
I just know it
And he's holding her
in his arms late, late at night

Like Jessie's girl,
I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman,
where can I find a woman like that
And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time,
wondering what she don't see in me
I've been funny,
I've been cool with the lines
Ain't that the way
love supposed to be
Tell me, where can I find a woman like that



And on the 8th day we fell in love. With Jesse.
With a sharp suit and a long hair that he could just about scrape back into a pony tail Jesse had attitude. In the early hours of the morning he helped us get an extra bed in our tiny 1970's room, gave us valuable advice on where the doors were located, where the 'rowdy dance clubs' are and was even spotted smoking a cigarette - fancy that!!! He is the male equivalent of Daria and his band Nightshift are amazing. I could go on about how all three of us feel about Jesse but you wouldn't understand.
After a much needed night's sleep we hit Belltown (which used to be cool but isn't now) to get a GPS and be harangued into trying to buy all sorts of guff we didn't need by the worst, spottiest sales assistant in the world who must have said 'actually' fifty times.
Then up to The Space Needle on the walk back, incredible scenes, a very quick and stomach-churning lift and the structure slightly swaying in the wind. Some amazing views from up there, well worth the admission fee. We also ate at the excellent Five Point cafe which looks like a dive but does great food - I didn't realise that in America a hash brown fills up half a plate which made the semi-goth who served us laugh when I asked for four.
Also, in Seattle they like nothing more than a cheeky sign 'Ripping off tourists since 1929' being one such example.
We then headed out for one of the best nights of the trip meeting up with the best host of all time Tara and her friends Bridget, Elliot, Seth, Chase, Kara, Taphine and Charlie who were all (almost) brilliant people and took us around Cap Hill with gusto and verve. Linda's, Cha cha Lounge and Redwood were all great. No shit bars, good jukeboxes, cheaper drinks and a fine selection of folk to drink with til the ridiculously early hour of half-one when they call last orders EVERYWHERE. They get done in early in Seattle also.







We then had a good stagger en masse for about half a mile before getting in a taxi with an insane driver who didn't know where anywhere was, but luckily carried a gun everywhere he went....and he liked Didier Drogba.
This city is quite a lot like Manchester but utterly brilliant and i wanted to stay here forever. The second problem was that when got back Jesse wasn't working! He must have been gigging or at a rowdy dance club.

7th May - "Shall we help them here?"....."No"

Worst day ever.

Leathering it down. Professional rain, the heaviest ever. Made getting a cab very taxing. Got one – slowest driver of all time. Missed the plane.
Then Delta airlines staff went head-to-head with Footlocker’s for being the most unhelpful, ‘street’, put-out-by-simple-tasks buggers ever. They were actively unhelpful in getting us on the next flight (which was mercifully two hours later) and there were legions of pissed off people at their gate. If you would ever like to see a vein in my head bulge just say the passphrase ‘Delta check-in staff’.
We got to Seattle later than scheduled which was probably for the best as we now had to learn how to drive in America. We got in our car (a natty little 4x4) at 2 in the morning having been in the air for seven hours and headed for downtown Seattle. We were being understandably cautious and to be fair only drove the wrong way down a major road once.
We got to Travelodge at 3am and as soon as we got out of the car were faced by a six foot tall lady of the night and someone trying to pick her up. This was the appropriately titled John Street. This was Seattle. This was Travelodge. But more importantly this was Jesse….

6th May – ‘Yeah I’ll get you in your fucking head!’

Hangover time. Got up understandably late but managed to drag ourselves over to the Staten Island ferry to go and have a look at France’s gift to America, a bloody great statue. It is, for some reason, quite awe-inspiring to see it in the ‘flesh’ and another touristy thing that must be done in New York.

I took my second trip to Foot Locker. I forgot to mention that in addition to the aforementioned bad traits inherent in all their staff they decided that I can’t dance and gave me two left shoes that I went to return. I was met with the same welcome as the first time round and they didn’t even have the right trainer for the right foot. After being told that I do in fact like white trainers and don’t look like a tit in them I managed to get some trainers that I liked that fit! Incredible
Ian and I went to watch neo-hippies Akron/Family at the Bowery Ballroom, a very very nice venue near Little Italy. Not so nice around the area as a nutty six foot four native took a sort of swing at me on the streets, testing my ninja reactions to their very limits.
The band were great, a very fine performance. Many fruity types in the crowd but it worked out ok as the band are big on audience participation and there were right characters getting right into the spirit of things.

New York 5th May - "Demi Moore - 'My secret passion'"

Rob left us today with much wailing and gnashing of teeth from everyone so we tried to fit as much as possible into his final hours.
We went to Ground Zero to go and have look at a big building site, I felt slightly guilty about my Halloween costume and we went into a Hilton hotel to have a ghoulish, morbid gawp at the site from above. Didn't have the gall to take any pictures though. This was before we took some photos outside the iconic Ghostbusters Firehouse alongside other Brits from our demographic.
Then we stumbled across a cigar shop and encountered six New York Dons sitting around smoking cigars INSIDE and generally shooting the shit. We must have looked like such limp, giggling streaks of piss to their eyes;nevertheless we got our cigars and had a quick chat with Mr Miagi who was a lovely gent and it became an unexpected highlight of NYC.
The first bridge of the trip! Brooklyn.

Walked up and down this iconic monster taking many photos on the way. Amazing structure. I was very aroused.
Then we stopped to gedda pizza pie at Grimaldi's which stands at the foot of the beast on the Brooklyn side. As you can see it was massif and the best pizza i've ever had.


Then for the evening's entertainment it was Owen's sisters(Carys) screenplay (which was great) being acted out alongside some others (that weren't - seriously). This was in a swanky conference centre and we felt slightly out of place amongst the Colombia trendy students but got stuck into the free food and pop. This wasn't helped by the fact that myself and ian had been sniggering and imitating the gestures of the most self-congratulatory, OTT, mis-shapen mincebag we had ever seen without realising we were sat directly in front of his parents.... Think The Penguin from Batman Returns crossed with We got down to their last bottle of beer and went out en masse to a bar conveniently round the corner and talked SHITE around a booth that was too small. We were accompanied by Carys' boyfriend Jaren and her friend Maya amongst other entertaining film students Met another fairly poncy southerner who was on his own and thought he knew everything about everything, but he was a kind enough soul I guess..This was quite a boozy affair and we went on til 7 in the morning. A lot of the subject matter was taken up by Nick Cage as he was filming his new film The Sorcerers Apprentice about a hundred yards away in Times Square and there were all sorts of overly cautious security guards bossing people about on the streets (which myself and Maya pointed out to them was fruitless as they had no jurisdiction there). We got to see a bit of Hollywood magic take place as they were filming a big car chase set-piece at the time. Ooooh!

There are no photos of this evening and that is probably a good thing.

New York 4th May - "Yo shut the fuck up man, he's trying to tell some jokes!"

This was a busy busy day, highlights included:
Rob and Ian went to the Gugenheim whilst me and Owen spent NINETY MINUTES looking for a suitable diner before finally settling on this breakfast....



....which led to this happening in a bin outside.



So many pancakes.

We then went to FAO Schwartz, the home of the piano from the film Big and it was a Big disappointment, not a patch on the Times Square Toys R Us. Then back to the glorious Williamsburg. There was this chinless sonofabitch stood near us at all times as we browsed in a record store and he kept looking and listening at/to us, obviously realising we were English. We thought nothing of this until we were walking through a sketchy area where we saw the fruit from the record shop with four other fruits from his punnet and a photographer.... Turns out it was English hipsters The Horrors! Well known for being absolutely fucking rubbish! They were doing a piece with NME so we made sure we got our own shots (from a safe distance, lest we get our faces scratched).


There they are in the background looking all 'important'
Footlocker Times Square. The staff; feckless, unhelpful, disinterested, 'street', attitudeful, rude, ugly, spotty TWATS.
Then off for better times with Owen's sister Carys and her boyfriend Jaren at the Dinosaur grill on the edge of Harlem. So. Much. Meat. Great.
Then back to UCB for more chuckles with Aziz Ansari, a tremendous little tyke of a comedian and an excellent supporting cast. Front row seats this time and the obligatory 'meet the act and tell him to look pissed off in the picture'. Except I got confused and also looked pissed off. Oh well

New York 3rd May - 'I just want to kill every mother-fucker around here'

Not too much happened today because of last nights excessesses. So here's a picture of Times Square to keep you entertained.


We had the inevitable hangover but braved it and got the subway to Rob's favourite place in the whole wide world Williamsburg, which is in Brooklyn. It's a bit like Chorlton.

We went into a bar called Hugs which was pretty dead, it being a Sunday night and all. There were Frat Boys singing along annoyingly to shit English indie songs and i once again defeated Rob at a shit fairground style ball game. The one thing that wasn't shit was that they served Boddingtons! But it had run out. Shit.
Then we went to Rosemary's another Irish bar, but this time it was amazing! Thanks to their excellent jukebox we got talking to a scary but awesome man called Berk. A local man of Irish descent who came from a thrash-metal background in Brooklyn but was into all types of very good music. We talked to him for hours about all sorts of shite and he veered from being pretty scary to downright amiable which I liked; not knowing where a conversation in going to go makes it more interesting.
We left in good spirits, merry but not annihilated.

New York 2nd May - "Como esta nigger?"

Big sleeps in the tiny apartment – two in the bed, one on the couch and one on the floor. Also premier league football on the cable TV; the other three guys were totally stoked about that….
We went and did sensible things near Colombia University like buying food in an amazing (ly expensive) supermarket. This was after going to Tom’s Restaurant, the exterior of which was made immortal by the genius of Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld and had a truly tremendous NY Lumberjack breakfast.

Upon returning to the apartment we saw an excellent exchange between two rude bois at a tube station just outside of Harlem. Lots of trash-talking from the safety of either side of the barrier that we were desperate to but fearful of watching. This was also after taking a wrong turn down a side-street to see some Cuban gents illegally playing cards – that was a treat.
We got to the top of Rockerfeller Centre just in time for sunset and got, as you can see, an incredible view of the city and it’s bridges.

This was Saturday in Mother F’ing New York yeah? Let’s do this yeah? Let’s walk around Grenwich Village aimlessly for an hour, then go in a shit bar called 99 Below that served overpriced small glasses of booze and played bad hip-hop to no-one, then let’s walk around for a further forty minutes!!!Woo!
Then let’s go in the Stonewall Inn. What we saw: an oasis in the desert of New York, beer, pool tables, good times. What it took us a few more crucial seconds to see: The rainbow flags outside, the fellas getting off with each other aggressively, the fact a lot of fellas were staring at us and the videos of fellas doing rude things to each other involving bumholes and willies. Not homophobic but don’t want to be in a scene from the film Irreversible.
We eventually decided to get in a cab and drive til we got to somewhere good. Details of this hilarious journey are available in person from any of the four of us as it would not come across with mere written words.
We eventually got into a decent bar called Whiskey but it was a little to ‘preppy’ for our tastes so we hit the streets once more. Girls from New Jersey are loose. And flattering. And thought I was Irish. Fools. Another street encounter included me perhaps overly-aggressively asked a Latino drug-dealer the result of the ill-fated Ricky Hatton fight.
As we got into the next bar (a good Irish bar!!!) the drinks were becoming a little mixed, whiskey, Guiness, vodka, Jager, beer and it was becoming rowdy. Rob and I engaged in an epic darts match and our skills improved as we drank.
Ian and Owen hit the road whilst myself and Rob were escorted around some ever-emptying bars by girls named Liz and Beth, which made remembering their names easier. More shots, a karaoke-bar-cum-brothel, more shots, another bar, telling an excited cockney who asked if I supported United to ‘go away’, home for five.

Phase One - New York 1st May – “Don’t be afraid of black music”

Ian and I embarked upon Phase One aiming to join up with Owen and Rob in our rented New York apartment which was three blocks down from the hideous and at first mind-blowing Times Square right in the core of ‘The Big Apple’.
The Naked Cowboy, people everywhere, vomit Ian having CD’s waved in his face and being told he is afraid of black music, a shit Irish bar with tiny ‘pints’ that made us feel like giants.Before we set off for our first night out together we had sewious weservations about leaving the apartment unattended as it had quite clearly been broken into time and time again in a variety of entrances and burglariffic styles. The valuables were places in crafty hiding places such as behind red hot fridges and bins, of course the passports had to come with due to America’s Draconian policies t’ward buying booze.
We went to the legendary UCB comedy club to watch the improv group Step-Fathers who were ruddy excellent – it was like Whose Line Is It Anyway ON ACID!!! And the goofy, lanky one from the brilliant In The Loop was in the troup so that was nice. Although the leader looked unnervingly like James Nesbitt. I cut my finger on the frankly antiquated chairs and blood came out. And I spilt two beers.

"W-w-w-welcome to America!'